Modern game commercials are slick, polished, expensive, controversial,
and carefully crafted to ensure that you will, in fact, plunk down sixty bucks
on a pre-order immediately after watching.
Yep, fair to say they don't make 'em like they used to.
As cutting-edge as a butter knife, game commercials during
the medium's golden age of the 1980s were as awkward, kooky and embarrassingly
awesome as the decade itself. And to prove it, we've ploughed the memory banks for
this tubular collection of amazing game spots:
Pole Position
Screaming voice-over! Intense heavy-metal! Extreme rainbow
color effects! The hand of God, exploding cars, and a terrified family in
traction! Pole Position is good, but this commercial is better.
Vanguard
Who destroys the Gond? Luthor destroys the Gond. In
exchange, we help Luthor pass his math tests, because apparently Luthor isn't
the sharpest tool in the shed.
The Legend of Zelda
Stereotype much? Scrawny nerds, references to vague
newsletters, random controller button-mashing, close-ups of a scrawny nerd, the
worst rap of all time, yet another close-up of a nerd, all followed by the
condescending narrator instructing you to enlist the aid of your parents to
hook it up, despite the fact that your dad can't get the VCR working without first
turning on the oven.
Centipede
THE CENTIPEDE IS PLAYING A SAXOPHONE...yet that's somehow not the weirdest part of this ridiculous commercial.
Joust
But even the Club Centipede can't hold a candle to this epic spot for the beloved Joust. First the poor gamer's house is demolished, then he eats a giant egg and turns into a nightmarish reject from H.R. Puffnstuff. Beyond our wildest dreams, indeed.